When you finally have your Moana moment and come to the realisation that you know what you want to do with your life and if that is being a writer, painter, singer, comedian, etc… then you likely know what it feels like to be afraid of what you want. This is why I struggled to write last year. It’s because I go sleep each night and remember how badly I want to write, so badly I feel I would and have dedicated my life to it, remembering that it could all disappear.
You could wait your entire life for your dream to come true and it may never come. So I’ve been asking myself why bother? Why after months of beeing stuck in a reading slump, after months of thinking up so many projects I could be working on, but never have, do I still always come back to my stories? I can’t pinpoint when writing became so important to me, yet I can never be without it. It is a part of who I am. It is who I am and I am afraid of it. Writing scares me, it is all I want. Even believing that I can never be without my stories or without my inner writer, I’m scared it will disappear if I don’t share my writing. That getting a 9-5 job and family will distract me until I’m not a writer anymore or it will disappear if I have to constantly face failure after sharing my writing and it isn’t read.
Then I found out about Zora Raeburn, a woman who wrote novels for over 30 years and didn’t get one acceptance letter. There was little information I could find out about her but I liked how she couldn’t give up. As awful as it may be, I had hope in knowing about Vincent Van Gogh’s story too and how his beautiful paintings were never greatly admired or valued until after he died (Even if I did learn that from a Doctor who episode).
To be published, and have people like hearing my stories would be spectacular but as hard as it may be it cannot matter that it may never come. It matters that I love writing, I know I’m a writer and even if I am the only one who reads it… I have a story inside me I want to tell.